!! Just want to talk

[وحدي أسير]

..I admit it
..it's not easy to live alone
..it's not nice either

..Sometimes
..I wish I had someone around
..to remind me of my pill
..to tell me that I can do it
..when things are up to my head
..which happens to be almost every single day

..It's not like am not human
..I wish I wasn't
..at least I would not fear to be thrown in Hell
.."like Abu Lahab and his "friends
..but.. it's over
..I'm human
..and I got to accept that
!it's funny how some don't really accept it, though
..it's as if am a machine
..or maybe a remote control
..all what they need to do
!is click the right button

..I don't like it
..and at the same time
..I do
?how
..I don't know

..I don't care
..not anymore

[وحدي أسير]

..I
..sometimes
..I have this feeling
..that
..well.. I actually do talk to myself
..a lot
..maybe all the time
..I don't know

..but to be honest
..I don't like talking to myself
..it's boring
..and nothing new is said
..I just know it
..so why say it again? I don't know
..maybe it's a "women" thing
?don't you think so

..oh.. no no
..it's a "crazy ppl" thing
..I believe I'm one of them
..I strongly do
..and I don't care if am crazy or not
..I just care that I do what Allah wants me to do

..crazy or not
..I will die
..hopefully where I always wished to die
..for the purpose I always wished to accomplish




?have you forgotten Fatima

[وحدي أسير]

..it's not like am done with my work
..in fact
..I have more to do
..a lot more

..but
..the headache is killing me
..it started on the left side few months ago
..right above my eye
..and now its spreading all over my head
..and it's not nice to have a drum banging on your head all day

..and no
..I will not see a doctor
..I don't want to
..I will not

..I believe, one more time, in a saying
..very strongly
ما حدا بيموت ناقص عمر

?right
(it's more "original" in arabic, I feel)


..but
..I tell you
..Panadol ActiFast is the best when it comes to pain
..headache.. back.. anything
..take it
..but be aware that it'll make you want to sleep
..and you need to drink at least a cup of water after it

?I should be a doctor, right
..I mean I write scribbles too
..and now I know about Panadol ActiFast
..they got to give me that PhD in medicine
..I know all what it takes
..I know how to cause pain
..and kill it

..kidding
..doctors do much more than that
..but they.. most of them do write scribbles
..it's just like a secret code between them
..and the pharmacist

..I don't know
..and don't care

[وحدي أسير]

..when I walk around
..and see how
..how people forget to put on some of their clothes
..I think about Fatima
..when she was there
..and my and her sisters over there

..they die to stay covered
..here
..they die to unconver

..subhan Allah
..no one is content with what s/he has

[وحدي أسير]

..talking about doctors
..I once.. I always
..annually.. almost
..get this very very very severe pain
..I feel like I am being cut in half
..and I can't stop from crying
..screaming sometimes
..but not too loud

..ActiFast wasn't out at that time
..I had to take the extra one.. two of them
..and wait for half an hour for the pain to go
!after I visit death and come back

..it kept coming for three years
..once a year
..without any reason
..and without any common symptoms
..and all of a sudden
..it just hits me
..I can only tell when it starts
..the pain starts.. and gradually increase
..it gives a warning.. nice of it
?isn't it
..how cute

..anyways
..I went to the doctor
..because I wasn't in the mood to waste more time over this

..I did everything
..all kinds of tests
..ultrasound
..xray
..everything

?and what did they find
!nothing
..they said nothing is wrong
..and they can't relate what is happening


..it just supported what I believe in
(!I have a lot of beliefs)
..doctors can't do anything
..if Allah doesn't want that
?so why go to them

..go to Allah
..and use His medication
..honey.. Quran.. Zamzam water
..and you got it

..I don't do that with my headache
..I will when it starts making me cry of pain
..inshAllah

[وحدي أسير]

..I know
..I'm jumping from a topic to another
..don't blame me
..blame the headache
..it's banging too much
..too hard

..I'll take a pill

?is anyone on the Seyam Dawoud till now
..I stopped for a while
..I had sins, and no one was around to encourage
..may Allah forgive us all

..alhamduli Allah

[وحدي أسير]

..I know
..I was leaving
..but I just saw the topic again
..she didn't reply back

..I really feel bad about what I told her over there
..I kind of hurt her
..but really
..I didn't mean it
..I meant to help
..but as always
..I blow everything up
..I told her I'm sorry
..but it's not enough
..it will never be

..next time
..I should never ever enter a topic other than this
..I really don't
..I visit the forum through the English forum link
..in my fav
..and go in here
..directly
..but I don't know why on earth I went there
..I guess it's my stupidness genes fault
..they working hard that day

..alhamduli Allah
..o Allah let her not be mad at me or hurt because of me

..I hate myself
..I always do

..stupid

..now I'm going for real
..to take the pill and have some sleep

[وحدي أسير]

..am tired
..I can't take it anymore
..I just can't

..I can't

[وحدي أسير]

..I can't be a remote control
..I am not one

..I can't stay away from my mother
..I can't anymore

..I can't ignore my need to be around honest people
..people who care
..who are honest
..and.. honest

..I can't be what I am now anymore
..I'm tired

[وحدي أسير]

..I know
..it's my fault
..am the stupid one around
..I know
..I do it on purpose

..I want to be freed from all their blabbering
..I need to be away from their greed
..away from their lies
..away from everything that relates to them
..from them

..I can't take it anymore
..I'm tired

[وحدي أسير]

..you get all what is said
..you understand all what is done
..yet
..you pretend you didn't
..for their sake
..for their good

?and what you get
..a stab in the back
..for being the stupid fool around

[وحدي أسير]

..it's funny
..how they did find a place
..to stab me in the back

..it's full of stabs
..that I thought no more place is left to be stabbed

..I'm tired

[وحدي أسير]

..sometimes
..I think of crazy ideas

..I think of
..throwing myself out of the window
..to see how it feels to be able to fly
..and land with no padding

..I think of
..standing in front of a speeding car
..to see how it feels to be pushed with all the force there is
..and thrown where no one can spot me

..I think of
..not breathing for five minutes nonstop
..to see how it feels to be with insufficient amount of air
..with all the "free" air around

..I think a lot
..I actually start
..but
..I remember the other side of the coin
..I remember the ending of those who tried before
..I remember Fatima
..I remember Eman
..I remember my mom
..and
..I forget my need to be away

[وحدي أسير]

..they think I changed
..after all what they did
..I thought that too
..at the begining
..but
..for their and my surprise
..I never was this stubborn

[وحدي أسير]

..I am tired
?does anyone get it

..t.. i.. r.. e.. d
..TIRED

..step back
..and
..leave me alone

[وحدي أسير]

..they don't understand
..your need to have your own place
..your own privacy space

..they don't understand
..how bad you need to be alone
..how bad you need to be away from everyone

..they just don't undrestand
..no matter how often you say
..or how hard you try
..they just don't

[وحدي أسير]

..they will
..when you are in your grave
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
!!too late

[وحدي أسير]

..I want to be alone
..and I want some company around

?how
..I don't know
..I just know I'm tried
..and I miss my mom like I never did

[وحدي أسير]

..she doesn't know how much I love her
..how much I miss her
..how much I need her

..I can't tell her
..and she shouldn't know

..I love her

[وحدي أسير]

..blabber as much as you want
..no matter what you do
..or what you say
.."or what you "feel

..you'll still be the stupid one around
..and
..the most efficient remote control was ever made


..ya Allah